It’s kinda funny how life happens. I’ve spent my entire life being somewhat in control of everything. Parenting, my academic and career accomplishments, my lifestyle and frivolous acquisitions, friendships etc. All the while maintaining a reasonable work-life balance and a considerable amount of happiness.
Whenever something begins to feel out of my control, I either restore balance and order, or re-evaluate the risks/benefits of the scenario.
It’s no secret to anyone in my life that I shy away from relationships. They scare the shit out of me. It’s much easier to take an arms length approach to anything with unpredictable outcomes, or perhaps more aptly stated as outcomes outside of one’s own control.
Yet tonight, I sit here with an exceptionally heavy heart, and a knot in my stomach as I realize that my control-freak insecurities have just pushed away the most amazing man I’ve ever met. He’s super smart, well spoken, personable, witty, driven, sexy, exceptionally charming, totally irresistible, grounded, incredibly responsible, and an amazing dad…so basically everything I could ever ask for.
Why you ask? Good question. Exceptionally poor judgement on my part I guess, but mostly fear. A fear of not being enough. A fear of rejection. A fear of getting hurt. But most of all, he gave me a fear of having something to lose.
Ironically, while grocery shopping this evening (one of my least favourite household chores), Colbie Caillat’s song “Realize” came on while I was at the check out. Coincidence? Perhaps. However, it was pretty hard at that moment to keep it together none the less.
The moral of the story…be vulnerable, love with all of your heart, even if it means you might get hurt, and for the love of gawd, if you find someone worth holding on to… never walk away. ❤️
